Letter to the editor:
Barry Craig (Associated Depressed)
Des Moines (AD) – Anonymous sources in Des Moines have confirmed a major conspiracy to overthrow the Dynasty Champion in this year’s Tower Tennis tournament. A three- headed monster, consisting of Dean Ruther, Steve England and Matt Sopcic, tops the list of those allegedly involved in the well-organized coup.
The controversy began when investigative reporter, Axe Christell, (name changed to protect his family’s true identity), uncovered disturbing new evidence in DSM Tower Tennis; including receipts tying Steve England and Matt Sopcic to a tennis professional in Urbandale, IA, as well as recent purchases at a local hardware store for some form of surface altering substance, potentially to be used on a tennis court. Witnesses close to the story report seeing a hooded man applying an unknown substance to the surface of the Norwalk tennis courts during the late night hours… the very courts on which the Tower Tennis championship is scheduled to take place tomorrow night.
How did a seemingly good- natured, local tennis tournament become so ripe with corruption? A few years after beginning the tournament in 2004, Steve England allegedly began to experience financial difficulties after spending thousands on homebrew beer equipment, only to drink up all his profits. In desperation, he turned to Dean Ruther, a well-known beer drinker and investment mogul with an evil laugh. Seeing an opportunity to experiment in his dream of social engineering, beginning with Tower Tennis, Mr. Ruther was only too happy to help England in his time of need. Overnight, Ruther began to pull the strings of the Tower Tennis tournament.
The crowned “Dynasty Champion”, Jason Toelle, grew up in a modest home in a small, blue-collar town outside Toledo, Ohio. Instilled in him at an early age that hard work and dedication are the hallmark of American values, Toelle learned the benefits of competition, honor, and education and that a man’s achievements are only as great as his dedication to them. This all led to him learning the sport of tennis at an early age. Going on to perfect his game over the years while serving in the U.S. Navy, Toelle dreamed one day of working for the FAA in the hopes of competing in the DSM ATCT Tower Tennis tournament. His dreams came true when in 2004, Toelle won his first Tower Tennis championship, going on to win again in 2005, 2006, and 2008!
At some point, Steve England confided in Mr. Ruther that he felt entitled to a championship. Seizing upon this opportunity to grab more power, Ruther set about engineering the Dynasty Champ’s downfall. In destroying Jason Toelle and thrusting England atop the throne, Ruther would cement his power over England and the entire operation. To do this, a worthy opponent would need to be found and they had one in mind… Jeff Bode. The plan was to have Bode placed at DSM ATCT and paid, in homemade beer, to eliminate Toelle from tournament play in early rounds in order to increase England’s odds of winning the coveted championship trophy. The plan was initially a success, but England and Ruther saw the potential for collapse in their scheme when Bode became increasingly volatile and unpredictable. Las Vegas seemed far enough away, but a backup plan was needed.
Matt Sopcic, an uppity Chicago native, was young, athletic, and eager to please; quickly becoming the next pawn in a demented game of chess. Not wanting Sopcic to run off the rails like Bode in the past, Ruther and England were forced to keep him under tighter control, even resorting to supplementing his diet with performance enhancing drugs and personality altering medications to keep him likeable and happy in order to avoid raising suspicions. These performance enhancing drugs, however, did not come without side effects. Frequent outbursts during training and fits of rage at small, innocent children who dared enter the TRACON began to reveal concerns of Matt’s colleagues. Also… man-boobs.
Some controversy arose early in Sopcic’s tennis career when allegations surfaced that he had indeed received professional instruction, in spite of his initial claim to the contrary. Caught lying to a grand jury, Sopcic was eventually forced by England to throw the 2011 tournament to avoid further investigation. All the while, ESVN and parent company MSN-SV, the major media contributors to Tower Tennis, appeared to diminish the allegations. Both companies are owned by Dean Ruther and his henchman, Steve England.
This brings us to this year’s Tower Tennis tournament, where we’ve already witnessed a sudden, late change to the bracket layout, leading to an unknown (Zeke Proctor) winning the Southeast Final championship after losing his first match, forfeiting his next two, and playing an old man in his fourth. Another participant (Kevin Broadway) witnessed his comments at towertennis.net being viciously censored after merely replying to a hateful, roid-rage driven rant at the hands of Matt Sopcic! These occurrences, by themselves, are bad enough, but put together with the fact that the finals is scheduled on Sopcic’s home court, can only lead one to conclude that the tournament may be fixed!
Steve England’s anti-Dyanstyism and Ruther’s quest for social engineering hit one significant hurdle this year when Toelle defeated England in the semi-finals, thus ruining England’s hopes for a third championship, but not Ruther’s end goal. Ruther’s hopes to end Toelle’s all-American dynasty now rest solely on the girly shoulders of his minion, Matt Sopcic. So far undefeated, Sopcic’s chemical enhancements seem to be working; however, not wanting to relinquish control, Ruther and England have resorted to scheduling the match at a biased location where they are alleged to have altered the playing surface in Sopcic’s favor!
The 2012 tournament is about more than just tennis. This is a battle between good and evil, right and wrong. It is a war of ideals where some people believe in destiny while others desire to control outcomes. On the surface, it is a simple tennis match between Jason Toelle and Matt Sopcic, but the big picture reveals so much more. The all American boy versus the machine of social equality! Ask yourself, what do you stand for?
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